Welcome to the maiden voyage of my new laptop. Yes, this is the first column written with the help of my new HP Pavilion something or other.

This new laptop has a few features never before found on my older models. One is a webcam that I find terrifying for many reasons. First, I admit to being a Stanley Kubrick fan, so of course I’ve watched 2001: A Space Odyssey many times. I can’t help it but I wonder if, at some point, my computer will become aware of me. What if it observes me over time? As it watches me eat ice cream as I type this column, it might long for other human experiences. I can see me preparing to shut down one night and hearing it mutter “Will I dream?” or “I don’t think so, Mary.”

It is also scary to think that I might accidentally broadcast my face on some internet video website – my hair a mess, face dotted with concealer, typing frantically while the world watches. And what’s even scarier is knowing that there are probably people out there who would want to watch that sort of thing in the first place! So the chances of those things happening are slim, but I will not rest until my webcam is covered with this unobtrusive piece of black electrical tape. There! I feel better and more secure already. It’s anti-spyware, low tech style.

Speaking of security, I feel a bit behind the times when I say, “What’s up with Vista?” Yeah, I was one of those slow to accept the oh-so-quirky Vista. As soon as my purchase was made, I found out that a new and improved Windows operating system is coming this winter. Why look back, right? Instead, I prefer to look at the dozens of pop-up screens that my new laptop provides to warn me about all sorts of hidden cyber-dangers. The first day I used my new laptop, I actually felt like I was at DefCon8. Who knew I would need multiple updates and scans and immunizations! Honestly, my laptop’s vulnerability was scarier than the threat of swine flu. I have since altered the frequency of the scans, and both my stress and alert levels have decreased.

A fun yet gimmicky addition to this laptop is the fingerprint scanner. No, I did not realize that the computer came with such technology. It was not a selling point at all. However, I have the most fun pretending to be a secret agent each time I scan my fingerprint. My goal is to find a way to have the laptop say “Access Granted” or “Access Denied” in a cold female robot voice after each scan.

Speaking of sounds, my old laptop had speakers in name only. If you leaned close to them and held your breath you could actually make out what was being said on most YouTube videos. My new laptop, on the other hand, has amazing speakers that allow you to listen to your favorite tunes across the room. But that’s not the best part – to help you out, there’s a tiny, adorable remote – barely half the size of the credit card I used to purchase the computer. I try to listen to music at a distance as often as possible, just so I can use the remote.

And the best part about my new laptop? The color. There, I said it. Instead of silver or black or white, my new laptop is warm copper. A subtle pattern seems to be etched over every surface, giving an air of alien dignity to my workhorse of a machine. With this machine, I could stylishly rule the world! Or just look cool while writing my column. Maybe you’re seeing that already? Oh yeah, the tape.