Glasgow Daily Times, Glasgow, KY

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February 27, 2014

The only online dating ad you'll ever need

— Everyone, I've fixed your online dating woes!

Wired magazine assembled a number of infographics this month of what makes for the most attractive online dating profile. It even included a list of the most appealing words men and women used in their profiles. The only trouble is how to work the key words into sentences. The rest of it just comes together by magic.

Men who used "whom" got 31 percent more opposite-sex replies, regardless of how they actually used it. Women who called themselves "girls" got more replies than those who didn't. It's all a science, really.

Based on what Wired said, I have concocted the most appealing online dating profiles of all time, using as many buzzwords as possible in as few words as I can. Context, shmontext - these are based on data! Feel free to use these in your "About Me" to attract a mate! True love, doubtless, is right around the corner, like prosperity in the Hoover era.

Ladies

I spend all my time away from London and New York City, surfing the Internet to post hateful comments on athlete forums, and intending to do yoga.

 I am often wasted at the office and have to be driven away by foodies for acting like Archer. My philosophy? Let models work out; my passion is laziness. Fitness? I call that "lucky physics."Creativity? "Charmed meditations."Europe is over the ocean, and maybe there's sushi there? My homeland is New York, and I don't feel anything for Radiohead. Sometimes I fashion pulp fiction meditations, girls!

Men

I love surfing the surf - it's like skiing the ocean. Let's do yoga, whom.

I have a large collection of teeth. After mating, I gather passports (only those with blue eyes) to use in my confidence work. Who has time for retirement?

I like to take photography of my breakfast. I am awful at tennis. Things I hate with a passion? Weddings, teachers and puppies.

I have never been to London. I hate flying. Also kissing.

The best part of mornings is chocolate.

Or:

I don't have a lot of confidence, but I have a large collection of teeth and passports. One belonged to an athlete with blue eyes, whom I found in the ocean, or oceans, when I was hiking on the beach, covered in chocolate, taking stealth photography of strangers' weddings and enjoying the live music. (Ah, mornings!) In retirement, I will obtain many tattoos.

When we are kissing, my meditation will be about breakfast.

When I was a kid, I put puppies in trees. I said I wanted to see puppies flying. My teachers shuddered and said I would never find a nonfiction companion for passion and mating. My attractiveness is comparable to that of a workaholic flying to London. There is no skiing or surfing there. Or surf, for that matter.

YOGA YOGA YOGA YOGA.

You're welcome.

 

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